My Biggest Fear is Being Right Here Next Year

my biggest fear

It’s no secret that life is tough, and if you think that all things that glitter are gold you’re high on something.  We all go through stuff; we all get ourselves into some shit.  But it takes us to be able to get ourselves out of it.

When I saw that post on Instagram last year, it was around this exact time (August 2013).  I cried when I read it because the place I was in was one of the lowest I’ve been at in my short 20 years of living.  I had gone from an ultimate high from January to May, and to my personal rock bottom by end of August.  I had went from an awesome job, amazing opportunities, future hook ups for my future careers, partying my face off while still getting good grades… to a nasty drug and gambling problem, skipping my AA meetings, and a DUI.

Lmao just kidding, that’s not funny.

But I did have the awesome job (well I felt like), and great opportunities, that I will always have memories of and never regret (I wasn’t doing anything illegal or naked…actually just worked around naked people).  I was doing things that people didn’t believe I was really doing, making money in a week that people with full time jobs wish they could make in a month, being on track with my school and school work (which use to be rare for me, I was an awful student in high school) and really living my life and early 20’s to fullest.  A few months before all that (December 2012), I thought my life was so boring and dull.  I felt trapped in a life with my no jazz or pizazz.  I get to go to school in a City where opportunities are waiting to be taken, to go out have fun live my life and still work and make money.  And instead I was watching everyone else go out and do that while I spent every weekend (what I felt like was) cooped up in my friends dorm looking at the same people I always looked at every damn weekend.  I promised myself by my second semester of my sophomore year my life would do a 360 and I would no longer talk about it, I was going to be about and do all of it.  One of my mottos is “don’t talk about it, BE about it.”  And I did.  And I was very proud of myself.  I wanted to keep it going, because I loved the momentum my life was traveling at, but by the end of May 2013 I was back home and my life came to screeching halt.

First off the partying was WAY done.  In Miami I could go out to the club at any age, drink freely (French Montana Voice; cc: French Montana’s song Drink freely, it describes what I’m talking about in this post), party free, live freely, and really truly enjoy myself.  At home everyone was either too young or just wasn’t about the life I was about.  There also wasn’t anywhere for us TO party because Boston sucks when it comes to clubs and the night life atmosphere.  I had gotten so spoiled in my Miami ways, the thought of me having to pay for a party or go into a club made (still makes me actually) wanna gag and me not being able to sit down in my own little secure section had me disgusted.  Sounds crazy right?  That’s what the Miami life style and experience will do to you.  My friends and family also didn’t know me anymore.  I felt like my new fun crazy free/but budget friendly somewhat lavish lifestyle was the shit, and I didn’t understand people who didn’t feel the same way.   But that’s also because we were all being exposed to different things now.  I felt like I was moving on with my life, I was moving in the direction I wanted to, and everyone else was just so content in their boring little home lives.  It honestly made me hate Boston and the people in it.  And I didn’t hate the people directly.  I hated them for not trying to grasp the same opportunities I was trying to, especially if they had the means to do so.  For not trying to venture out and see what the world has to offer.  Leaving Boston was one of the biggest best opportunities life has given me.  It wasn’t easy or cheap and it still isn’t.  But it made me realize that there’s more to the world that I wanna see.  I refused to stay in a place I felt like I couldn’t grow in and I wish more people would take that chance.  I am EXTREMELY privileged and blessed to be given that opportunity.

My second issue was that all last summer I was FLAT broke.  Like my pockets were forever empty, not even a piece of gum in them I was that poor.  The summer before last  I had 3 jobs, I worked 2 a day, and still had a great summer life.  Last year I had no job, and living life fun and freely wasn’t really free anymore…  I had went from an awesome job in Miami that I made at least 1-200 on a slow night and working at a sneaker store after classes, to just no job at all.  And it wasn’t like I wasn’t looking.  I looked everywhere.  I interviewed for as many as I could, I applied to damn near every place close and far.  I applied to positions like being a nanny, all the way to being a damn pizza deliverer.  And nothing.  One job I thought I had for sure landed, a hospital gig, proved that I can’t I trust everyone with job recommendations, had me flat on my face and butt.

I cried.  I cried for days that summer.  I felt like a failure.  How did I go from living the way I wanted to, to going to exactly where I didn’t want to be?  After a long run last year I read that post and broke down yet again.  I just wondered why things had to play out the way they did.  And then I promised myself.  That by this time next year I won’t be there again.  I’ll do better and be better.

And here we are, this time last year.  I worked hard to get myself back on track from the end of last summer to now.  I finally got a job, it wasn’t my old place of employment but it’s something.  And as for the fun partying life I and before, that slowed down significantly but I still had some fun (SOME, very slight actually lol).  And I can say I’m not where I was before.  If you asked be at the beginning of the summer, I would actually tell you I’m crashing and burning.  This summer was arguably one of the hardest summer’s and life moments I’ve ever had.  And all that stuff I said about the DUI and gambling issues came true.

JK again no it didn’t lol.

But I did go through some shit again.  I had to make grown up decisions and do grown up things for once in my life which were actually really hard for me.  Like some people I’m raised by a single mother.  It takes a village to raise a child which it took a whole freaking nation to raise my crazy ass, but aint no one hold me down like my MAMA!  And that’s the honest truth.  For the amount of things she’s sacrificed in the 21 years I’ve been on this earth honestly I owe her the world.  It’s weird because actually unlike some people (not all, don’t twist my words A-hole’s) raised by single mothers I know my father.  It’s hard to explain but my dad was in my life without actually being in, get it?  Like my dad was there, but he wasn’t THERE.  And years leading on he has left my life, and now we officially have no relation and that’s by my choice.  I never had a relationship with my father and I still don’t today.  I HATE talking about my father because I feel like it’s a topic that doesn’t deserve my breathe but also is a very private matter for myself and family, but regardless if I like it or not he did contribute to my being and I can’t get rid of that.  That being said my relationship with him officially ended this summer and that’s the end of that.  And this will probably be the last time I mention him again for a long time…like forever.  Anyways moving on..

My mom has been holding me down with my school stuff, paying for it solo dolo and I think that’s the craziest biggest thin she’s ever done for me besides push me out her whooha and I love her for all it.  The opportunity to go to college is a big one that not everyone gets to have ( going to school out of state too) and like I said before I’m blessed to able to go.  To make a long story short after 3 years of being able to go to school there’s a slight chance I might not be able to go back, at least for this year.  I’m devastated, I’m heart broken, I’m mad, but it’s NOT my mother’s fault, I will say that.  There is a reason why I might not be able to go to school and that’s my private business (although I share a lot of my life through this blog anyways), I’m not willing to say why for the sake of my family (mother, “father”, and everyone else).  But I will say that God is GOOD.  He holds me and my mother down no matter what.  And I learned to just pray on it.  I will continue my education no matter what, whether it’s this semester, this year, or in the future.  If the universe has it in my favor I will be back in a few days to attend for my last year of University.

And know what other grown people issues suck?  Bills, Bills, Bills.  Remember how Beyonce in Destiny’s Child said can you pay my bills?  Well can a playa pay for mine cause damn!  Now I’m not saying I’m neck deep in bills, but my ankles aint dry.  I’ve never had to pay bills before cause like I said my mama holds it down for me.  But as I get older I must assume certain responsibilities and those things are bills.  They started off as petty things, like luxury bills.  You know first world problems.  “Pay off your phone bill,” “Pay for your Victoria’s Secret Card.”  And that quickly went to, “You need to pay this 400$ hospital bill,” and “We need to get this 700$ bill down to at least 2 by this time.”  Do I have health insurance for this stuff, ya I do.  But like the moral of this post; Shit Happens.  And I wasn’t prepared for it at all.  All these issues didn’t just come crashing down this summer, its years of built up things that now in my life I’m old enough to take care of.  And like my mom has been a Boss taking care of hers, I need to be like her and take care of mine.

In addition to all those things I dealt with deeper personal issues.  Like I mentioned before: the end of an already nonexistent relationship with my father, and after years of back and forth trying- really ending it.  Dealing with the reoccurring issue of Death: by losing family members 3 months in a row, and that bringing up an unresolved issue of death I haven’t come to term with like my grandparents murder (that’s for a future post y’all, sorry to heavy for right now), and the kicker; missing my older brother’s wedding because of my now ended relationship with my father: which still makes me cry to this day months later (missing the wedding, not my father).  All of those things weighed so heavily on my pockets, mind and heart.

So here I was at the beginning of summer.  Thinking that I would be in a WAY better place than I was last summer, to now feeling and thinking I would be right back where I left off last summer.  And then I learned something.

That again, SHIT happens.  LIFE happens.  We all go through things, ALL OF US.  How can we, as individuals break out of it though?  For me, it was keeping faith.  I thought I had lost my faith and belief in the lord so many times this year but I haven’t.  I prayed on it, every morning/every night.  You know how they say “leave it in God’s hands,” I’m trying that.  I have a bad habit of always trying to control things.  I always need superior control over my life and what happens in it, resulting in the stress-outs and migraines of the century.  When I finally let go and let God, WOW.  Let me tell you!  The weight being lifted off my shoulders was tremendous.  That’s not to say that I don’t wake up some days trying to throw that weight back on and gain control, but I take it right back off.  Because for me the superior control I need to have on my life, I’m now leaving to God.  If it’s in his will that I’ll go back to school this semester, or next year, or two years from now I will.  IF it’s in his will that my bills with get paid and I’m back in the clear.  But also if the universe wants to clear up a clean path for me to walk on, the smoke will be gone and I’ll be skipping down the golden trail.  I just learned that I needed to breathe and relax, and take things say by day step by step.  And my drinking addiction would be gone…again jk lmao, that isn’t funny!  Lmao but it is to me.

This was a long ass confusing post I bet.  If you don’t understand it, I don’t blame you.  But what I’m trying to say is we gotta find ways to let to go of the burdens and hard things we go through, and stop trying to be Super Hero’s and saving ourselves every moment of the day.  Chill out cause stressing stuff doesn’t change anything.  And also set goals for yourself.  That post was so motivational last summer for me to change my life and I did.  I told myself I wouldn’t be where I was last year, and although I thought I was in a worse position than I wanted to be in, I worked to not be where I thought I would end up.  I gave myself weekly and monthly goals to rise up and out of where I was.  I worked hard and kept pushing on.  And most important I had faith in myself that I can do for myself whatever I think I can and plan on doing.

P.S I still get great grades 🙂 !

And that is all everyone who is or isn’t reading ❤

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