Where The Hell am I Going?

2 or 3 weeks I felt lost. I felt like didn’t know where I was going or what my purpose was. I felt like I didn’t fit in but I stood out bad everyone could see it. I thought I was on a better track with feeling good about things but clearly I took the wrong exit on the freeway. And all that made no sense to me. I got to go home and see my family, I accomplished my goal of getting a job and working my behind off this semester, an old “friend” dropped back into my life momentarily. It seemed like life should have been ok for me which it was but that was the problem. It was just OK. In a sense mediocre. And I hate mediocre lives.  I never want my life to be boring, average, routine, ‘mundane’, or mediocre.  I flash forwarded my life in the shoes I’m in now and it made me so depressed! Working a boring-ass regular retail job, no car, possibly still living at home, having no one around me sounded so depressing! Well I can kinda deal with the no one around me, I know who my friends are they know who I am. “It’s a celebration every time we link up” so we don’t have to be under each other 24/7. But all that other stuff would and does not make me happy.  Every time I imagined myself in the future it included my wildest dreams and life goals I’ve always wanted. Yes I want a job, and money and a roof over my head, but I don’t want it like I have it now. I never imagined myself folding panties for a living and listening to my mom nag my ear off forever with no way to escape. Not to offend anyone, if you plan on working those kinds of jobs as a living, by all means be the best at it you can be! I just can’t see myself doing that because that not what I ever had planned for myself. And that made me cry honestly. Because  although I know where I’m at is a blessing and people want that blessing, and because I worked hard and faith helped carry me here, it’s not how I saw or see things.  And yes I understand I’m only 21 and still have a year left of school but still, what if this is my life after school and I get the degree? Going back to my blessings jar I said I was going to start at the beginning of the year, I did start it. I count what I feel like are my major blessings and I put them in a little box. One of the blessings I feel comfortable with sharing right now are the women God put in my life. I feel like God does everything for a reason, and the universe puts your path with someone else’s when it knows the bricks with fit perfectly to create a stable path. Woman are such an essential part in my life because I was raised and influenced and by some amazing woman. Last year when I felt like things were just amazing for me I met what I would love to be a future me.  I aspire to be like her, and better!  She’s a celebrity (mostly hip-hop, and urban) publicist based in California and has a huge clientele in the music industry. She’s the reason why so many big names touched down in Miami and my old job (at a club) last spring. I had the honor of stalking her down in the club I use to work at and confidently telling her I respect her and her business, and that one day she should look out for me because I’ll be in her shoes. She told me thank you and she gave me the life changing opportunity to meet with her the next day and she would answer all my questions, and even offered to have me work side by side with her bringing in celebrities to Miami and working the events they were at for Memorial Day weekend 2013. Unfortunately I didn’t get to work with her because I had to go back to Boston for the summer, but I still keep in touch with her till this day. I texted her after my mini depression and break down about the future and I asked her for her advice. I respect her SO much because she always takes time out of her busy professional life to answer an indecisive, confused, whiny 21 year old’s questions about what the hell she’s doing with her life.  This is what she texted me and I’m following her advice every step of the way;


Another woman who has come into my life recently is Z.G (I don’t want to put these woman’s real names out there).  She has a very successful career, and is an amazing international business woman.  She was a guest speaker in my communications class, and she is the cousin of my favorite professor thus far in college.  I knew since the seminar she gave us that God and the universe were telling me something; she was put in that class room and now my life forever.  I speak to her very often and she’s become a mentor for me.  She’s so real and genuine, and I get butterflies every time she shares her knowledge with me.  When I told her about how I was feeling I felt like she could read right into me.  The conversation we had was so long and meaningful that I can’t remember fully everything she told me, but I do know that she gave me a better outlook on life, and where I’m going with it.  I wish I recorded it or something so I can share what she said because it was really remarkable for me.

I’m only 21, I’m not finished with school, I don’t have my degree yet, and this is all still temporary.  I know the type of woman I want to become and I know what I want out of my life.  I’m trying to jump from 0 to 10 skipping all the numbers in between.  I have to have patience, faith, and believe in myself every step of the way before I start opening those dreams doors.  I’m not lost within myself, I know who I am and who I’m becoming, I’m just still soul searching for what my soul needs to continue to survive and thrive.    I have to experience these things and do them before I make it to where I need to go.  Although I feel “left out” and mediocre I’m really not.  I’m just laying the bricks of my path because if I don’t have those bricks laid what path and I going to walk on to those dreams?   This is all necessary and I’m now ready and willing to do what I need to do to get where I’ m going.  I have to stop living in the past and just keep walking into the future.


But I’m just soul searching, and trying to find where i fit in this world.  If you read through that whole post without being annoyed thank you for taking part of my journey with me, and if it did annoy you honestly i could care less.  I hope we all take the time to soul search eventually, and find that inner peace and belonging we need.


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